This essay was originally published in my other newsletter, "Too Late For Questions?" It's important, so I'm sharing it with my Holy Chutzpah subscribers too.
It's painful when family members don't want us to heal, just so they can preserve their "happy family" illusions. And it's hard to prioritize our own sanity and happiness over their acceptance and support. But, in the end, it's the best thing we can do for ourselves, and for our own children. I wish you healing and happiness. Looking forward to reading what you share with us.🧡
Thank you. My husband reached out to some family on my behalf today, and they were surprisingly receptive. Well, I knew one would be, but it seems time has helped a few other relatives accept some realities, so maybe some reconnecting will come from this craziness. I guess I’ll see. Still in the live action of this “front story” as it unfolds.
It is so, so wild the way all this unfolded. I hope, for all the pain and re-activation it has brought, these missing pieces also finally allow you to tell your story in the way you have needed to... giving you the structure that has been missing.
100 percent wild, Kati. In some ways, it provides missing structure. In other ways, it adds more questions. I am desperate for the plaintiff to speak with me about what happened back then, but they are, understandably, not ready to do that yet. My mom is very dissociative, so there’s no hope getting info from her around this. She occasionally asks whether my HuffPost essay ever came out, and that was like 2.5 years ago. Getting access to traumatic content through her is like trying to get through multiple layers of security from dragon to high tech laser beams. She did send me a lot of photos, finally. Tomer sent her a pre labeled Fed Ex envelope and it was overnighted yesterday. I keep thinking of all the writers I know whose memoirs were investigative—including yours, Lilly Dancyger’s, Jeannie Vanasco’s. Did you hear about The Tell? Haven’t read it yet but it’s marketed as an investigation as well.
Thank you for sharing this, you are very brave, and I admire your courage. I relate to many things you wrote here but my memory is so fragmented. I have been treated for cPTSD for years. It’s a very sad kind of comfort to read this, I’m so sorry it happened to you, memory is so strange, in the way it protects us and harms us at the same time. The way our families demand silence — and they do it without saying a word. But now I wish you only good things, strength, and joy!! Healing is also a beautiful journey — we make it beautiful and meaningful.
Jen, this is extraordinarily cogent and forthright, and I appreciate it as a survivor and as a writer. The spirit of “diplomacy” can be a silencing, suppressive force. I know the feeling. A rabbi doing 1:1 bat mitzvah training in junior high snaked his socked foot up my pant leg, and everyone knew he was sleazy. But when I was ready to confront him, my classmates didn’t remember similar ever happening to them……..yet, everyone agreed he was creepy. 🤔 I wrote him a letter in my 40s saying just so you know, I remember what you did, and you should be ashamed of yourself. He actually wrote back and said, “I was young. I do not remember doing that, but if I did, I apologize.” 🤨 It was good enough for me. There were worse incidences of molestation and sexual harassment that occurred before and after. Your work is vital. Please keep going, and let what/who doesn’t serve your mission fall away.
My husband & I have been discussing all the various aggressors through my lifespan. From the annoyance to the sadistic. And it’s a freaking list. A long list. Before even reaching age 18. I’m thinking this must be the norm?
Just…wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. You are a warrior and your honesty and bravery will help many others. Welcome to the tribe; we are lucky to have you
Hidden Water has groups for survivors, perpetrators, and parents of survivors. GREAT organization.
https://www.hiddenwatercircle.org
Thanks for this resource. I hadn’t heard of this before.
I’m building a trauma writer’s resource database, asking people to recommend their favorite organizations, books, trauma-informed people… it’s free and takes 3 minutes and I’ll share the database for free, too. https://open.substack.com/pub/thetraumasensitiveeditor/p/the-trauma-sensitive-publishing-database?r=1602f&utm_medium=ios
It's painful when family members don't want us to heal, just so they can preserve their "happy family" illusions. And it's hard to prioritize our own sanity and happiness over their acceptance and support. But, in the end, it's the best thing we can do for ourselves, and for our own children. I wish you healing and happiness. Looking forward to reading what you share with us.🧡
Thank you. My husband reached out to some family on my behalf today, and they were surprisingly receptive. Well, I knew one would be, but it seems time has helped a few other relatives accept some realities, so maybe some reconnecting will come from this craziness. I guess I’ll see. Still in the live action of this “front story” as it unfolds.
It is so, so wild the way all this unfolded. I hope, for all the pain and re-activation it has brought, these missing pieces also finally allow you to tell your story in the way you have needed to... giving you the structure that has been missing.
100 percent wild, Kati. In some ways, it provides missing structure. In other ways, it adds more questions. I am desperate for the plaintiff to speak with me about what happened back then, but they are, understandably, not ready to do that yet. My mom is very dissociative, so there’s no hope getting info from her around this. She occasionally asks whether my HuffPost essay ever came out, and that was like 2.5 years ago. Getting access to traumatic content through her is like trying to get through multiple layers of security from dragon to high tech laser beams. She did send me a lot of photos, finally. Tomer sent her a pre labeled Fed Ex envelope and it was overnighted yesterday. I keep thinking of all the writers I know whose memoirs were investigative—including yours, Lilly Dancyger’s, Jeannie Vanasco’s. Did you hear about The Tell? Haven’t read it yet but it’s marketed as an investigation as well.
Thank you for sharing this, you are very brave, and I admire your courage. I relate to many things you wrote here but my memory is so fragmented. I have been treated for cPTSD for years. It’s a very sad kind of comfort to read this, I’m so sorry it happened to you, memory is so strange, in the way it protects us and harms us at the same time. The way our families demand silence — and they do it without saying a word. But now I wish you only good things, strength, and joy!! Healing is also a beautiful journey — we make it beautiful and meaningful.
Thank you, Helena, for your kind and thoughtful reply.
What you wrote about memory is quite true: "memory is so strange, in the way it protects us and harms us at the same time..."
Another eternal paradox we survivors must live with. Sending you peace and light.
Thanks for reading,
Jen
Jen, this is extraordinarily cogent and forthright, and I appreciate it as a survivor and as a writer. The spirit of “diplomacy” can be a silencing, suppressive force. I know the feeling. A rabbi doing 1:1 bat mitzvah training in junior high snaked his socked foot up my pant leg, and everyone knew he was sleazy. But when I was ready to confront him, my classmates didn’t remember similar ever happening to them……..yet, everyone agreed he was creepy. 🤔 I wrote him a letter in my 40s saying just so you know, I remember what you did, and you should be ashamed of yourself. He actually wrote back and said, “I was young. I do not remember doing that, but if I did, I apologize.” 🤨 It was good enough for me. There were worse incidences of molestation and sexual harassment that occurred before and after. Your work is vital. Please keep going, and let what/who doesn’t serve your mission fall away.
My husband & I have been discussing all the various aggressors through my lifespan. From the annoyance to the sadistic. And it’s a freaking list. A long list. Before even reaching age 18. I’m thinking this must be the norm?
This is so insightful.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you, Jen 🙏
Just…wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. You are a warrior and your honesty and bravery will help many others. Welcome to the tribe; we are lucky to have you
Thank you, Amy ❤️
Your soul most certainly *does* deserve a happy ending, Jen. I am so sorry for all that you've endured.
Thank you, Erika.